Top of the morning, friend!

Today, I want to discuss something that sparks many ruffles: being needy.

A friend of a friend of a friend (ok, you caught it, it's me) would often say, "I can't do that. It's so needy!" with a cringy face. Who would wanna come across as needy, amirite?

The word itself has a negative connotation—said with a tone of offense, in whispers, holding our breath.

But...who doesn't have needs?

Dr. Emily Anhalt @dremilyanhalt The fact that the word ‘needy’ is such an insult speaks to how terrified we are of our own needs and dependence. We are all needy when our needs are not met, just as we are all hungry when we go without food. March 15th 2022 78 Retweets 408 Likes

Seeing needs side by side compared to hunger puts things in perspective. Everyone wants to have loving relationships. Everyone has needs—whether it's wanting reassurance, comfort words, or frequent communication.

(The problem arises when expecting someone to meet our needs are taken to the extreme and the "needs" become puppets of emotional codependency.)

Lately, I've been feeling more and more comfortable expressing my needs, asking for what I want, without a sense of shame around it. Credits? Therapy.

It has made my relationships deeper, nuanced, and SO MUCH less complicated. But I know it's not easy. So here are three things that may help you:

#1: Identify (and examine!) your needs before you express them

Before you go to a friend, a partner, or a family member to ask for what you want, get crystal clear on what you truly expect from them. Do your homework. Diligently.

Ask yourself: What do you exactly need from them to do to make you feel satisfied or happy? Is it legitimate to expect this out of them, or is it crossing boundaries? Would you fulfill the same needs for them?

I prefer writing things down. But you do you. The more clarity you have about what you need, the better you'll be able to voice it.

#2: Come from a place of vulnerability, not frustration

It's understandable to be frustrated, pissed, and angry when our needs aren't met. But you can't expect anyone to fulfill needs you haven't even voiced automatically.

There's often an unsaid expectation (especially from our romantic partners) to "just know" what we need. But that doesn't always work. As much as we hate it, no one's a mind reader.

Being accusatory, angry, or unfriendly during this difficult conversation will help no one. Expressing your needs is an emotional, vulnerable, and sensitive act—don't taint it red with anger or frustration.

#3: Be prepared for an adjustment

Not everyone will live up to all your expectations always. It can be hard to accept the receiver cannot fulfill your needs after gathering the courage to own & verbalize them.

But it doesn't have to be a bad thing.

After understanding this person can't fulfill your expectations, you have three options:

• Come to an adjustment and realign your expectations
• Find other places/people to fulfill your unmet needs
• Let the person go (if an unfulfilled need from them is a dealbreaker for you or affects too much of your mental health)

#4: Ask them about their needs

It should go without saying, but I'll say it anyway. Remember, the other person also has needs—likely some of them unmet—from you.

Use this as an opportunity to also ask them what makes them feel loved, cared for, and appreciated. Where do they think you don't meet their needs? What could you do better to meet their expectations?

Verbalising our needs effectively is a muscle, so keep exercising it. And remember: Wanting our needs to be met is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Book: I'm not myself these days by Josh Kilmer-Purcell

If a book could make you laugh, it's Purcell's memoir.

He's an advertising art director by day and drag queen by night with an alcoholism problem. Not juicy enough? He makes a boyfriend—Jack—who's a male hooker.

Jack owns an apartment in New York looking over the sunset. His clients are some of the richest businessmen with a fetish for...being tied down and humiliated.

A story so filled with so much honesty, humor, and uncanny events, you won't believe it's real.

Poetry: On a train by Wendy Cope

The book I’ve been reading

rests on my knee. You sleep.

​

It’s beautiful out there -

fields, little lakes and winter trees

in February sunlight,

every car park a shining mosaic.

​

Long radiant minutes,

your hand in my hand,

still warm, still warm.

Question for you: Needs

The biggest emotion around expressing our needs is...fear. Tell me:

Thank you for reading. I'll see you Apr 14.
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-Rochi

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Let's stay in touch!