What do you think makes someone tough, Reader?

60-year old Nikolai believes it's taking an ice bath every day—even when it's –50°C out. I think it's facing a romantic rejection in high school.

Take your pick. Both sting equally.

Ok, it might not be exactly equal. But still, hearing "no" when you were desperate for a "yes" SUCKS. I'd know, I faced it.

A good thing came out of the aftermath of my romantic rejection, though—learnings about love, relationships, and life. I'd go as far as to say that that dismissal became my ultimate guidepost while navigating the lovey-dovey-labyrinth.

As Valentine's Day approaches, listen to my lessons (or just get your heart broken and learn them yourself).

#1: Opposites may attract, but they might not be able to make it last

I'm a homebody who hates getting out of her PJs. He doesn't remember the last Saturday he spent at home.

I'm sappy and proactive for intimacy. He prefers the go-with-the-flow approach rather than the clinginess (I checked).

I believe art is the stuff that makes the world go round. He'd say, "I think you're talking about sports."

Pop culture places a lot of emphasis on "opposites attract," and it's not difficult to see why—that's the storyline that sells. A couch potato marrying a fitness coach. A sensitive one falling for the tough-minded another. An anxious heart tendering to an easygoing beat.

But real life is different: We're actually drawn to people who are like-minded, share similar attitudes, and hold the same values. I don't say you and your partner would have to agree on everything, but you'd have to agree on a ton.

#2: Few things in life are ever about you

I spent years speculating what was wrong with me when I heard the N-word. What do you mean by "No, I don't want a relationship with you"?

No, as in, you don't like my personality?

No, like, you think I'm no fun?

No, because, my nose is too big?

I asked him the reason several years after—bracing myself for hearing every nook & cranny of my flaws—and he said, "Huh, I don't remember why I did that."

Ouch! Told you it stings.

It's hard, but also liberating, to remember: Almost nothing in someone else's behavior is about you (unless you're pissing someone off by being a jerk, k?).

#3: Find someone who tries as hard as you do

Has anyone told you relationships are hard work? They're not wrong, but they miss a crucial addition: It's the kind of work you want to do. Only when you like the other person enough.

I'd cut precious solitude time for dinner with him. He'd cancel on me the minute something more exciting came along.

I'd hate communicating via text (hey, I type for a living!), but I'd do it for him. He'd reply to me last.

I'd put work on the backburner if he needed me. He wouldn't check in all day when I'd be in a crisis.

Sometimes, you aren't high maintenance. Sometimes, they're just low effort. Because, as Miranda Hobbes says: He's just not that into you.

Also, if no one's told you yet, it's way more fun when someone's into you as much as you are into them (whether that relationship is platonic, romantic, or familial).

Book: Less by Andrew Sean Greer

Meet Arthur Less—a failed novelist about to turn 50.

He gets an invitation in the mail: his ex-boyfriend of the past nine years is getting married to someone else.

Saying yes? Too awkward. Saying no? Too pitiful. What would he do?

He'd accept literary invitations from around the globe—arranging to skip town during the wedding. It's the perfect excuse: "Wish I could come, but I have prior commitments."

He'd go to Paris. And Berlin. And see the Sahara sandstorm. Come to India. Arrive in Japan. Reside in Italy. Who said one couldn't run away from their problems?​
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​It's a voyage of self-discovery. And one of my favorite novels. The love story is endearing.

Poetry: Torn Map by Naomi Shihab Nye

Once , by mistake,

she tore a map in half.

She taped it back, but crookedly.

Now all the roads ended in water.

There were mountains

right next to her hometown.

Wouldn’t that be nice

if it were true?

I’d tear a map

and be right next to you.

Question for you: Learning how to love

Am I still sore about that rejection? Absolutely not. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't teach me a ton about how to love better. I wouldn't like to learn via heartbreak again, so hit me with:

Happy Valentine's Day!

Thank you for reading. I'll see you Feb 17.
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-Rochi

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